


Almost is Never Enough

by illuminousink



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23271316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illuminousink/pseuds/illuminousink
Summary: Love wasn't supposed to be complicated. Moving on wasn't supposed to be complicated.But Sehun finds out the hard way when reality finally hits him.
Relationships: Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Oh Sehun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14
Collections: SEXIUniverse 3rd Verse Collection





	Almost is Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt # 6: Minseok knows better than to hope and allows himself to pursue something he at least deserves to get. Sehun, drowning in his regrets, trying to win Minseok back even when Minseok’s heart is no longer for him to claim. 
> 
> Hello! I did my best in writing this and I also want to thank my amazing Beta who helped me so much with this. Thanks! I hope the prompter liked what I did... uhm... yeah. Enjoy!

Sehun sighed when he looked at the bottle in his hand. Unsure how long he’s been in that place, but that stupid stinging feeling in his chest still lingered. It was mocking him. It doesn’t even want to leave no matter how many times he’s tried to drown himself with that disgusting bitter liquid. He’s heard people say that the best thing to do is drown your misery in alcohol but he feels like the one drowning and misery is laughing at him while he loses his sanity.

He read the label on the bottle and wondered why that liquid tasted the way it did, but no matter how many times he reads the ingredients, it still doesn’t answer his question. In truth, the labels on the bottle will never answer his question because it concerns someone and not something.

He looked up, glancing at the wall filled with bottles of hard liquor and a TV for people to entertain themselves. The bartender stood at the other end of the bar, eyeing him to check if he needs another drink, but he just smiles, pretending like he doesn’t need more even if he just wants to take everything in and drown in that paralyzing high that pushes that painful stinging away from his chest.

It was odd.

Alcohol was something he didn’t think he’d indulge himself  in but look at him now.

The next music that played was familiar, yet it felt distant. He wasn’t sure if it was helping him overcome the turmoil inside his brain or if it was causing a massive disturbance in his chest - something he’d rather stop since the pain was still evident.

He took another swig, despite the obvious lack of taste in this beverage, thinking that if he drank more, then that numbness would come back and somehow alleviate the pain.

It’s all Minseok’s fault.

No.

It’s all his fault.

It  has always been his fault.

Yet, he twisted it and  it ended up hurting the man who did everything in his power to love him. Dearly, if he may add. But all he did was ruin it. Or maybe not, he wasn’t sure.

Sehun felt something hover near his shoulder, earning his attention. He curiously glanced behind him and was surprised to see his best friend, Luhan.

“Hyung…” the words slipped naturally when the guy smiled at him, sitting beside him at the bar counter. The other called the bartender over and ordered cocktails instead of the detestable beer that Sehun held in his hand, “What are you doing here?”

Luhan looked at the younger, who is obviously confused more than he’d let on. The guy only contacted one person and he was sure that this pub wasn’t a place that he frequented so it would be impossible to find it unless—

“Yixing-hyung sold me out, huh?”

“I’m trying to be a guardian angel here,” Luhan answered, thanking the bartender when their cocktails arrived. He pulled the bottle away from Sehun’s hand and gave it to the guy behind the counter and changed it to the glass of cocktail he just got.

“What is this?” Sehun asked, looking at the new beverage in front of him.

“Your saving grace. That other one’s nasty. This one tastes better and you  can’t really go wrong with cocktails,” Luhan explains as he takes a sip on his drink. Sehun sighs before shaking his head, unsure why the older was there and was even more unsure why he had to drink something else  other than a beer. He hesitantly took a sip, checking if Luhan’s words were true.

“Ah… it tastes good.”

“Told ya so.”

Sehun licked his lips, unsure what to say. Though Luhan was, is, his best friend, he’s also the man that he’s apprehensive about the most. That awkward air that hung around them was something he hated but it was obvious why it was there.

“So… How are you…?” 

Sehun gulped the stupid lump that formed in his throat when he heard Luhan’s voice invade his ears, “Fine.”

“Yeah, that’s a lie and you know it.”

“At least don’t call me out so fast.”

“I’m your best friend Sehun, I’m supposed to call you out on your bullshit,” Luhan gave him a look that made him scoff. 

“Best friend… right.”

There’s been so many things in his mind lately that everything just keeps piling up on him. His life was starting to fall into a wreck and he hasn’t had time to digest it. Or maybe he did but he just didn’t think it would turn out this bad.

He thought he at least had things under control, no, he thought he had his life under control but when Minseok left… his life crumbled along.

“Come on. Spill. I know it’s about Minseok,” Luhan said, looking at him. Sehun could see the patience in his best friend’s eyes. It looked like it was going to be  _ that _ kind of night, where Luhan gets his way and Sehun caves and tells him everything. He might as well say it before the older says something he’d have to think about again. He looked at Luhan one more time, thinking. Maybe he should at least let it out.

“Have I ever told you how Minseok and I met?” Sehun started. His lips felt dry as the name of his past lover left his lips. There was still that bitter feeling floating inside him and he couldn’t help but  wonder what it was that was trying to pull him down.

He’s told himself, over and over, that it was all done. Nothing could make him feel better. Nothing could ever make his life whole again. Nothing could ever build him up the way Minseok did.

And it was all because he loved Minseok.

No.

It was all because he lost Minseok.

“No. You never did,” Luhan answered, breaking into Sehun’s thoughts. He silently watched the younger’s reactions. He was sure the guy wasn’t a fan of revealing his secrets but Sehun opens his chest of treasures when he wants to and ONLY when he wants to. No one can force it from him. No one but—

“Minseok… and I met… years ago.”

~~~  _ Flashback _

__

__

_ The cold winter breeze swept the snow just right into Sehun’s face when he finally left the warmth of his apartment. It was the most irritating thing when it came to winter, but he liked seeing everything turn to white as if it’s a blank canvas waiting to be filled with color. _

__

_ He has set his mind on one thing that day and he was prepared to get that thing, whatever it was, if it was the last thing he did. He was determined, but with the ridiculous weather it may not be an easy task. Still, he wanted to at least try. _

__

_ He was just about to head to the store when he noticed a mound of snow on the ground. He was pretty sure the snow wasn’t supposed to make a whole mound even though there was an ongoing snowstorm. _

__

_ So, his first thought was that something was underneath that mound of snow. He thought it could be trash that his neighbors left; they were elderly people so they might not have liked the weather or maybe it was an animal under there, which was even worse. But never, in his wildest dreams, think it would be a person under that ridiculously big snow mound. _

__

_ “The fuck?!” Sehun cursed when he saw an arm after brushing the snow with his hand. “Oh, shit!” The words quickly followed after when he realized that the person under the mound may be dead by now. _

__

_ What with the snow over him and the crazy cold hands that met his. _

__

_ He wasn’t sure if the guy was still alive but his first thought was to warm him up and make sure he was still alive. _

__

_ Although he hated bringing strangers  _ _ to _ _ his house, this was an emergency and calling an ambulance will still take a while. So the only obvious response was to help the guy as fast as he could, especially with the short breaths coming from the latter. Sehun was sure that if he took longer outside, it would be the death of him. _

__

_ The only thing he did notice was the cat-like eyes that peeked at him as they entered his apartment. _

__

_ Sehun wasn’t sure how the guy would react if he took off his clothes but putting on blankets over him would be useless if he was still wearing those cold wet clothes. So he gritted his teeth and removed everything with his eyes closed and immediately covered the guy with all the blankets he could find. _

__

_ When he noticed the color slowly returning on the stranger’s cheeks, he gathered some hot packs to place them on the stranger’s feet and hands. Making sure that the farthest extremities of his body  _ _ weren't _ _ going to get cut off. _

__

_ He didn’t like the thought of saving the man only to find out that his hands or feet  _ _ need  _ _ to be cut off because of the cold. He didn’t like the thought more if it meant it was his fault why that happened, so he’d rather make sure that the stranger’s body warmed up as soon as possible. _

__

_ “What a weird day,” Sehun mumbled to himself. Amidst the panic that surrounded him, he couldn’t help but notice how the stranger was actually cute. Snuggled tightly under the mountain of blankets, Sehun noticed how the guy was starting to breathe better. _

__

_ “That’ll have to wait… I guess,” Sehun mumbled to himself, thinking of his game as he looked at the guy again. _

__

_ Minutes turned to hours and soon there on, the guy finally opened his eyes. _

__

_ It was an odd sensation, feeling your body burning while looking at an unfamiliar ceiling. The entire place was unfamiliar especially the guy leaning on the couch, where he was lying, who was immersed in his game. _

__

_ Minseok’s voice was caught in his throat as he stared at the guy, his jawline looked like it could cut a paper and Minseok was sure the glow behind him was that of an angel (it was the light from the kitchen). Whatever it was, Minseok felt his heart hammer inside his chest when the man finally looked at him. _

__

_ “Oh! You’re finally awake!” _

__

_ “W-Where am I? And… Who are you?” _

__

_ “You’re in my apartment. I found you outside under a snow mound so I kinda panicked and brought you in to warm you up. I took off your clothes cause they were all wet and cold but I promise I didn’t do anything stupid!” Sehun defensively babbled which made Minseok smile. _

__

_ “T-T-Thank you… I guess the c-cold got to me again and I fainted… I was on my way to the convenience store to buy something…” Minseok answered.  _

_ Sehun felt it was odd that Minseok’s voice could calm him like this. It was even more odd to find Minseok’s eyes appealing enough that he wants to drown in them. _

__

_ “Uh I’m Oh Sehun… You… Your name?” Sehun stuttered, unable to find the proper words after staring at Minseok’s eyes far longer than needed. _

__

_ “Minseok… Kim Minseok.” _

__

_ “Nice to meet you… Kim Minseok.” _

__

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

“Under a mound of snow?” Luhan repeated with utter disbelief. Sehun scoffed into a smile, unable to contain it despite the lingering despair that hung behind it.

“Yeah. I practically saved his life, didn’t I?” Sehun said and Luhan nodded enthusiastically. 

“I never knew that. Well… He’s always been prone to feeling the cold.”

“I seriously thought he died. I could barely hear him breathe plus his pulse was hard to find,” Sehun admitted.

“He’s always had a weak body but he’s always tried his best to live happily. And don’t get me started with his supplements and vitamins… which I still don’t think any of those work.” Luhan grumbled before sipping his drink again. “Funny how that simple meeting turned out into this whole… complication.”

Sehun scoffed again, “I think I never really took it seriously. And that’s what made it all worse.”

“You were pretty much an… asshole back then,” Luhan finished, eyeing the younger who was staring at his reflection on one of the bottles behind the counter.

“No use in denying that when it’s true, I guess.”

“So… It was just a coincidence for you guys to meet huh?”

“The first one was a coincidence,” Sehun said earning Luhan’s attention. 

“First one? What? Did you see him  again  under another mound of snow?”

“Yeah… I did.”

Luhan looked surprised when Sehun confirmed it. The smile on Sehun’s face was familiar yet there was that obvious glint of hurt behind it. Luhan sighed before patting Sehun’s back.

“Don’t tell me you asked him out after finding him under the snow mound the second time…?” Luhan asked and Sehun immediately shook his head.

“Nah… It was… different.”

_ ~~~ Flashback _

__

_ After saving his life, Minseok returned to Sehun’s apartment when the weather was a bit more favorable and less snow was falling from the sky. He baked a dessert to thank him for his kindness after learning that the younger loved sweets on their first meeting. He wasn’t sure whether the younger one would be there, but he wanted to take a risk. If he wasn’t there he’ll just turn around and leave, waiting wasn’t an option or else he’d probably faint along the way again. _

__

_ If only he followed his initial plan. _

__

_ When no one answered his first doorbell after 5 minutes, it should have been the sign that meant Sehun wasn’t home. But he tried it again, thinking that maybe the younger didn’t hear the doorbell ringing or maybe he was in the bathroom taking a bath. 5 minutes turned to 15 minutes, and 15 minutes turned to 30 minutes. Despite the extra layers of clothing Minseok had on, he was still really weak to the cold so staying outside for more than an hour was pushing himself to the limit. _

__

_ He was just about to turn and leave when he felt the ground move below him and the next thing he knew he was staring at the sky as his vision started to turn black. _

__

_ “Minseok…? Minseok?” _

__

_ The moment Minseok opened his eyes, he was welcomed by that same ceiling owned by the person who saved him. _

__

_ ‘This is the second time,’ Minseok thought which also came out from the guy’s lips beside him. _

__

_ “This is the second time,” Sehun had that spark of amusement in his voice and Minseok found it endearing to listen to. “Are you alright? I should ask that first.” _

__

_ “I think I am…?” Minseok said, pulling his body up to sit on the couch. _

__

_ “Ah! I took off your clothes again,” Sehun immediately said as he turned to give Minseok some privacy.  _

_ “Ugh… This seems to be a thing  _ _ everytime  _ _ we meet. I faint, get wet, and you undress me while I sleep through everything.” _

__

_ Sehun snorted into a fit of laughter when he heard what Minseok said. “Oh… wait… that came out so wrong. I’m sorry!” Minseok apologized, covering his face with the blanket and trying to hide from the other guy. Heat gathered around his face and he knew that his face was definitely red. _

__

_ “Nah… I’m sorry for laughing. But it’s true and it’s funny,” Sehun continued to laugh and Minseok liked listening to it. It was one of those hearty laughter that sounded like it was music to his ears so without noticing it, he was also laughing alongside the younger one. _

__

_ “Oh! And I saw the box you had with you. I think they’re still good. I managed to save some of them but the others were wet and—” _

__

_ “Those… were supposed to be for you. I wanted to thank you for taking care of me last time so… I baked them for you,” Minseok said, pulling the blanket away from his face and looking down at it. _

__

_ “Really? Wow! You know how to bake?!” Sehun asked, turning around to find Minseok fiddling with the blanket, looking like a little lost kitten. _

__

_ “I noticed you ate lots of sweets last time… so I wanted to thank you by giving you some sweets but…” _

__

_ “Thank you! I really like sweets,” Sehun smiled, placing his hand on top of Minseok’s to assure the other that he was happy. Kneeling in front of the older, Sehun could clearly see Minseok’s beauty. And despite the sullen look he had, the younger couldn’t help but feel attracted to him. “And about saving your life… Repaying it with baked sweets sounds great.” _

__

_ “If… If it’s not a bother to you… I want to bake for you… O-only if it’s ok,” Minseok said, looking up at Sehun who’s face seemed to have brightened at the thought. Minseok heard the sun was the brightest star in the solar system but somehow Sehun’s smile looked brighter than the sun for him. _

__

_ And from then on, Minseok brought baked goods for Sehun to feast on. It felt natural for them to share a cup of their own favorite beverage alongside the desserts that Minseok baked. It started getting comfortable and familiar as if they were dating. Minseok hadn’t really thought much about it, although he can’t deny the attraction he had for the younger, until one day Sehun just asked the question out of nowhere. _

__

_ “Minseok-hyung… do you want to be my boyfriend?” _

__

_ Minseok had just put food in his mouth when Sehun dropped the question so it wasn’t unnatural for Minseok to choke on it. Hearing what Sehun said was definitely surprising, but what shocked him the most is that the guy just casually dropped the question without batting an eye, as if it was asking someone how their day went or what 1 + 1 equalled to. _

__

_ “B-boyfriend?” Minseok finally managed to ask after a few strong chest pats and gulping down the cup of coffee in front of him despite the scorching hot liquid burning his throat. _

__

_ “Yeah… I mean… Aren’t we already dating?” Sehun asked, looking at Minseok like a little child simply asking his mother for a toy. _

__

_ “W-we… You… You thought we were… d-d-d-dating?” Minseok stuttered out the words, unsure why he was so nervous all of a sudden. Sehun just tilted his head to the right, as if watching Minseok’s reaction before finding an obvious conclusion. _

__

_ “Ah I guess I was jumping ahead on my own. Sorry, I assumed we were when you asked to bake for me. I thought it was a pick up line of some sort,” Sehun smiled, trying to dismiss what he had just said. “You can just forget what I said.” _

__

_ “N-no! It’s… I… I… I don’t… I don’t mind,” Minseok answered and Sehun tilted his head to the other side, now fully confused.  _

_ “You don’t mind forgetting?” _

__

_ “No… no… not that… I… I don’t mind being your boyfriend,” Minseok answered as his face turned red. _

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

Luhan had an amused smile when Sehun finished his story. The younger could see the amusement playing in his best friend’s eyes and he couldn’t help but look at the drink in front of him.

“Thinking about it… I was pretty bold to ask him back then,” Sehun admitted before taking another gulp. By this time, his drink had already been refilled and that buzzing sensation was already crawling into his system. He smacked his lips before looking at Luhan, who seemed to be thinking deeply as he looked at his own drink. He knows Luhan too well to know that the older is lost in his own thoughts.

“We… no… I asked him to be my boyfriend even though I didn’t have a speck of feelings for him. I just found him comfortable to be around with and I thought if I played it out well, then I’d be set,” Sehun confessed with his new found confidence, thanks to the booze he was drinking. “He’s always been there and it felt like home. It felt like I could do anything with him around.”

“You basically did,” Luhan confirmed with a tone that Sehun hasn’t heard before. Odd, he thought he knew his best friend more than anyone, but then again he didn’t. Not really.

“I… took him for granted thinking that he’ll always be there,” Sehun’s words were dripping with pain yet he couldn’t even dare release the turmoil that was shattering him from the inside. He could feel his eyes becoming heavier with each sentence, but he refused to lose his control on his emotions. If there was one thing he wasn’t going to lose, it was his dignity. He refuses to let tears fall in front of strangers that knew nothing of his story.

“And then I found out that the reason he stayed was because he genuinely loved me,” Sehun said, downing his drink.

Tapping the glass with his fingernail, Luhan scoffed. “Despite all of us telling you so.”

“Despite all of you guys telling me. Hyung… Why didn’t I even listen back then?” Sehun hissed as he looked back at the television, it was now showing sports. He remembered Minseok wearing those types of uniforms playing soccer like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

“You were pretty confident… Actually… you became arrogant. To the point that you never thought he’d leave,” Luhan’s words were venomous and he hated how it stung him. It was true but he couldn’t help but cringe at how stupid he was back then.

“It’s funny huh? My confidence was soaring so high, I forgot to bring him up with me to the sky. I forgot all about him,” Sehun’s words were like daggers he’s thrown to himself, stabbing his heart like it was part of a show that was meant to entertain everyone who wanted to see him suffer.

“And then everything turned worse when you realized this, didn’t you?” Luhan asked, as if pulled away from the depths of his thoughts.

“I didn’t even realize it turned worse until it was too late.”

“Far too late.”

Sehun looked at the elder who, once again, corrected him. The look on Luhan’s face was enough to make Sehun chuckle, “I was horrible to him.”

“You were,” Luhan agreed, downing the contents of the glass in front of him before asking the bartender to get a refill. “But then again, you fuck things up without meaning to. That’s the sad part.”

“No… I don’t think you know this but…” Sehun stopped, he was still unsure how to admit his mistake and even with the continuous thumping in his heart, telling him to just admit it, he couldn’t even push out the words from his lips.

“But…?” Luhan asked, finally looking at Sehun with emotions that the younger couldn’t quite decode.

“But…” Sehun huffed before gritting his teeth and taking in a deep breath. His mind was already swirling in 5 different directions but all of them were ending in one conclusion.

“But this time… it really is my fault.”

_ ~~~ Flashback _

__

_ Sehun liked seeing Minseok hanging around anywhere near them. They’ve both agreed that their relationship should stay hidden, more so because Minseok pleaded it. Sehun didn’t mind either way; what he valued more was that Minseok was near him. _

__

_ Minseok stated that he wanted the relationship to stay private, away from prying eyes and unsolicited advice from strangers who knew nothing about the two of them. _

_ If the guy didn’t want others to label whatever they have then he’s fine with it. _

__

_ Unfortunately he didn’t realize that without that label, he’d be subjected to people’s advances. This was true whether it was a male or a female and he often turns them down. But sometimes he finds it fun to play along, not really realizing what Minseok would think. _

__

_ Not that Minseok would mind, Sehun knew his boyfriend more than anyone. And he’s sure that Minseok also finds it funny whenever he plays with people. _

__

_ Yet his best friends, Yixing and Luhan, never really understood the point of doing it. _

__

_ “Are you sure Minseok doesn’t mind it?”  _

_ Sehun rolled his eyes when he heard his best friend’s words of doubt for the nth time, “Of course he doesn’t mind, hyung. He’s pretty chill with everything.” _

__

_ “Everything?” Sehun hated that dagger of doubt that stabbed him whenever Luhan opened his mouth to question him. _

__

_ Sehun could only look over at Luhan, who was raising his brows at him, and think how they even became best of friends. _

__

_ He was Minseok’s best friend and initially they became best friends, too. But unlike Minseok, Luhan hangs out with Sehun and Yixing since the younger would often find time in his busy schedule to leave Yixing when it came to his “other friends”. _

__

_ “Come on hyung… If he doesn’t want it then he’ll say it. He’s a grown man. Plus, if he’s bothered by it then he’d say it to you guys and you’ll tell me,” Sehun simply shrugged, making Luhan shake his head. _

__

_ “I really think you should stop doing things that could cause misunderstandings Sehun. Minseok-hyung might not say a lot but he’s not as strong as you make him out to be,” Yixing said, and there was concern coated around the words he used. Leave it to Yixing to make him feel more guilty. _

__

_ “Don’t worry about it, I’m telling you it’s nothing.” _

__

_ Sehun has never heard Minseok complain. In truth, Minseok was someone who would accept him fully—flaws and all. He was pretty confident that Minseok would stay by his side - no matter what idiocy he does. _

__

_ That includes the time when he went home with his classmates and Minseok was in the apartment, waiting for him. _

__

_ “Ah Minseok-hyung you’re here,” Sehun called out, letting out a disappointed face before looking at his friends to smile again. _

__

_ “I… was just dropping some baked goods,” Minseok smiled at him and he just nodded, knowing full well how the older didn’t like strangers. _

__

_ “Oh cool. Thanks, hyung!” Sehun called out as he led his classmates inside the apartment without even bothering to introduce Minseok, whether as a boyfriend or a friend. _

__

_ “Your brother?” The girl under his arm asked, looking at him with a pout and he just chuckled. _

__

_ “Nah. He delivers baked goods for me to eat,” Sehun joked, unknowingly widening the crack that that already formed between him and Minseok. _

__

_ The fact that Minseok never returned that night after his classmates left made Sehun worry but not enough to bother his boyfriend. He just sent a text telling him to take care and a good night before resigning on his bed and sleeping. _

__

_ Sehun noticed how Minseok slowly eased himself away from the former’s life. The things that belonged to Minseok slowly disappeared in his apartment and he thought it was just Minseok cleaning again. Unfortunately it wasn’t the case. _

__

_ At first it was the things and then Sehun noticed that the baked goods were starting to lessen until it just stopped. Along with that was Minseok. _

__

_ He never really saw the guy again. _

__

_ And then after 2 weeks of no communication, he finally realized that something was wrong. _

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

“And you’ve held out this long without him,” Luhan finalized, making Sehun nod as the alcohol’s high finally enveloped his system.

“Exactly… 7 months, 2 weeks and 4 days. Moving on isn’t supposed to be this hard,” Sehun said. He gripped his glass when he heard what Luhan said.

“It is supposed to be hard. You’re supposed to realize how much you fucked up and you’re supposed to realize that no matter what kind of change you do, you’ll never undo your fuck up.”

“And am I also supposed to just accept my best friend hooking up with my ex?”

“If that makes your ex happy, you’d support him. You had your chance Sehun… You don’t know how broken Minseok was because of you.”

“But that doesn’t give you the right to take him from me!”

“I never did… You gave up on him. I just happened to be there to catch him when you pushed him away. But I never asked him to love me nor to choose me. I never asked him for anything. In fact, we never hooked up nor are we together as lovers. I may have feelings for Minseok but it’s entirely up to him to accept it… In fact, if you want to know more… why don’t you ask him?” Luhan said and Sehun immediately tensed with what he heard.

He carefully watched Luhan’s eyes and followed where he was looking. Turning his chair, he saw Minseok sitting beside him with his head hung low. Sehun swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat as he questioned himself. Was he always there? He gritted his teeth as it dawned on him, just never noticed… again.

“M-Minseok-hyung…”

“H-hey…”

“I better leave you two to talk,” Luhan said and Minseok immediately held on his arm, there was evident panic in his eyes and Luhan smiled at him.

“You can do this Minseok-ah… I believe in you,” Minseok’s hold tightened on Luhan but seeing him smile, made the former loosen his hold on the latter.

“It’s about time for the two of you to finally talk and straighten things out,” Luhan said, ruffling Sehun’s hair before turning around to leave.

“Luhan-hyung!”

Stopping his steps, Luhan turned to look back at Sehun. The younger looked at his best friend with eyes full of emotions and Luhan doubted if he’d hear the younger say what he thought he would.

“Thank you.”

A smile crept out of Luhan’s lips when he heard the younger. “Don’t waste it,” he nodded before finally reaching for the door.

There was this awkward silence that hung between the two and the worst part wasn’t even because of their past but because they genuinely don’t know what to say. Even with the alcohol in his system, Sehun felt like the words he’s been wanting to say didn’t want to come out. Finding out that the older might have listened to his side of the story, unknowingly, brought out the fear inside his chest. There was more than confusion in Sehun’s insides and it was becoming such a turmoil that he didn’t know what to start saying to the man he’s been wanting to talk to.

Despite the days he’s practiced and the times he’s hoped to give Minseok a piece of his mind, it didn’t seem to have anything in it to bare once the guy in question was in front of him. It’s like there was a drain inside his head that just flushed away everything.

He pleaded his brain to pull out something, anything, to get the older to talk to him and the only thing that he managed to squeak out of him was…

“Hey… Long… Long time n-no see,” Sehun internally facepalmed himself with how awkward he sounded. He could even feel the hair on his skin cringe at how stupid he sounded. Minseok must want to leave him by then.

“Yeah… I haven’t seen you for a long time either,” The younger couldn’t believe his ears when Minseok answered him. It wasn’t really a question but hearing Minseok talk gave him some sort of courage to continue.

“H-how’ve… how have you been?” Sehun corrected himself, trying his best to think of the proper words to say but it was hard, especially with his tongue feeling out of place for some reason.

“Living… Trying to breathe. Trying life,” Minseok answered but Sehun noticed how the older’s hands trembled as he held on his glass of cocktail.

Instead of saying something, Sehun noticed how Minseok lost weight. The fingers that he often held looked thinner. He felt like Minseok’s arm would break if he ever held it due to how much weight he’s lost. He could see that Minseok’s jawline had become defined and his cheeks weren’t as plump as it used to be.

As he stared at the elder, he noticed how dark bags occupied the latter’s eyes. There was loneliness in them but he pulled himself to think that those were because of him.

“You… lost so much weight. Aren’t you eating?” Sehun voiced out, worry reflected in his eyes when Minseok turned to look at him.

“I… stopped baking.”

The confession shook Sehun. The older loved baking more than anything. If he could, he wanted to be a baker when he started working. He’s done so many experimental baking that he even has his own recipe book but it shocked him to hear that the older had stopped something that he valued so much.

“What? Why would you stop doing something you love?” A voice of protest left the younger’s lips as if he had every right to question it. Yet he knew, deep inside, that he’s lost that right months ago.

“I… I just… I just…” The younger could see the older’s inner turmoil leaking as he stuttered, having a hard time spitting out what he wanted to say. He could see how the elder seemed uncomfortable talking about the subject and deep inside, he knows why.

“I’m sorry.”

Minseok’s eyes widened and for the first time that night, he looked at Sehun, meeting his eyes that were filled with sorrow and regret. The younger knew he could never express what he feels, but words were the only form of communication that he could deliver at the given moment. If he was given the time, then maybe he would’ve learned how to bake something for Minseok and earn his forgiveness. Or maybe even cook something without burning the house down. Even as simple as giving him flowers to deliver his feelings. But he was left with the only option of saying it out using words that would best fit his feelings.

Unfortunately he’s losing the ability to think because Minseok’s eyes were gorgeous despite the dark circles around it. How could he express himself when words were never enough to express what he feels?

“I’m… sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry for hurting you so much. I’m sorry that because of me… that because of me you stopped doing what you loved,” He uttered, thinking that those were the most fitting words he could muster to the older. They weren’t entirely correct but the simplicity in them carried the weight he wanted them to.

He hoped the elder noticed.

Sehun saw Minseok’s eyes glisten before he turned back to stare at his drink. “It wasn’t because of you…” the elder said between gritted teeth.

It was a lie.

The younger’s gaze fell, he turned back to his drink in the hopes of stopping himself from calling out the older’s bullshit.

“You… still have the same habit when you lie…”

Minseok looked at him as if he’s a mother who found out his child’s rebellious misjudgement. Sehun didn’t know what came over him but he poked Minseok’s cheek before giving out the tiniest smile.

“You always grit your teeth whenever you lie… I’ve always noticed it,” Minseok licked his lips shut and Sehun could see him tense so he retracted his hand and internally punched himself for being unable to stop the words from leaving his lips and moving his body. He knew the older was already feeling awkward around him and now that those words left his lips, he was sure that it would only be a matter of time until Minseok left.

“…I didn’t think you’d notice.”

Sehun looked up at his ex-lover. Unsure why he would think that he never noticed. “It’s hard not to notice. You’ve always openly expressed yourself with your facial expressions… something I lacked a lot. I talk randomly… I don’t often change my expressions… and I’ve just never been good with words. I don’t show myself a lot but… I did it when I was with you.”

Sehun could see Minseok was unsure what to say. If he could hear the gears running inside the older’s head, it’ll probably be creaking all confused and unsure. He couldn’t help but chuckle when he realized how stupidly awkward they were. If it were possible, it felt like there was a corpse between them with how cold and awkward they were.

“I—” They both chorused, looking at each other momentarily before Minseok tore his gaze from Sehun to look back at his cocktail. 

Sehun bit his lower lip before saying, “Go ahead.”

“I… I just wanted to talk to you and clear everything between us,” Minseok uttered before pursing his lips.

Sehun, on the other hand, felt the words sting with venom slowly eating at his system. His mind was too confused that all he could do was look at the older, hoping that they weren’t what he heard. A big lump floated in his throat and no matter how much he sipped on his cocktail it didn’t seem to go away.

“I’ve… been thinking a lot. The times we spent together were the happiest days of my life…” Minseok started which Sehun was about to answer when the older man didn’t bother to stop. “But they’re also the most painful memories I hold.”

Like the waves of the sea in a cold winter morning, Sehun felt it crash to his whole body causing it to tremble. His mind questioned what Minseok was telling him, “Do you… remember that day when we went to see the beach?”

Sehun was immediately pulled out of his thoughts as he looked at Minseok. “The beach? Yeah… You suddenly wanted to go even though it was raining.”

“That day…”

_ ~~~ Flashback _

__

_ “The beach?” Sehun questioned after taking a bite out of the macaroon that Minseok made.  _

_ The older smiled, nodding his head with enthusiasm, “Don’t you think it’ll be fun?” _

__

_ “It will be if the sun is out but it’s raining…” The reason was valid, the sky wasn’t so forgiving after the cold winter that had passed. Despite the heavy snowfall that they experienced, the sky seemed to have remained uncooperative even though it was supposed to be spring. _

_ “Exactly! The beach would look really nice at this time of the year.” _

__

_ Sehun chuckled at the older’s suggestion, “It would look nicer when the sun is high and the sky is clear of water. Plus… aren’t you gonna get cold?” _

__

_ “Oh come on, Sehun! It’ll be fun!” Minseok begged, using his puppy eyes and that tiny smile that pushes Sehun to say yes.  _

_ “That’s unfair. You always look like that if you want something. It makes it hard for me to say no.” _

__

_ “That’s the point!” Minseok chuckled.  _

_ “Then off to the beach we go!” _

__

_ The ride to the beach wasn’t as dreadful as Sehun thought it would be. The dancing raindrops that tapped into the car became a rhythm that soothed him. A lovely melody that he soon found relaxing. _

__

_ “I guess it’s not so bad going out for a ride with this weather,” Sehun comments as he looks out the window before placing his hand on top of Minseok’s. The older man took the initiative to drive since it was mainly his idea to go out. His hand that was placed on the gearshift now tensed as Sehun’s hand warmed over it. _

__

_ “Of course… I’m with you after all…” Minseok uttered and with a hum from the younger their trip soon came to a close when the beach finally came on sight. _

__

_ The two went down the car and ran towards the store that stood near the beach, a place where travellers would often find shelter to ease their tired bodies. _

__

_ They both stared at the horizon, eyes focused on the lovely view despite the dark clouds looming over the vast body of water. Minseok took a deep breath which Sehun followed. It was lovely spending time like this together. The hand that once warmed his suddenly made another appearance and Minseok looked at Sehun when their fingers intertwined. _

__

_ The younger smiled at him and the world felt like it had stopped moving. Sehun was precious to him and each passing day he knows that his love was growing for the younger. _

__

[ “…I was deeply moved that you would accompany me to the beach… I was also really happy that you initiated skinship with me. It was the first time,” Sehun studied Minseok’s lips as he spoke. And knowing him, there was something else aside from those words that he wanted to convey.

“Why do I get the feeling that there’s more to that story…?” Sehun questioned, earning a sigh from his ex-lover. 

“Because despite it being the first time you held my hand… It was also the first time I realized that you had an odd way of joking with people.”

“What do you mean?” Questions on top of questions started appearing in Sehun’s head. Has he done more damage than he thought he did?

“You wanted… ramyun that day. I went to the restroom and you went to buy the ramyun but truth is I overheard your conversation with the cashier.”]

__

_ “Ramyun?” Sehun suddenly invited while the older man was staring at the beach.  _

_ “You go ahead. I don’t really want one right now. I’ll just head over to the restroom.” _

__

_ Sehun nodded as Minseok stood to head to the restroom. Having done his business there, he was supposed to go back to where they were sitting when he heard Sehun’s voice. _

__

_ “Thanks. You’ve got a pretty smile yourself. I bet your boyfriend says that to you all the time huh?” A giggle followed the pick up line. Minseok couldn’t really believe it but he took a peek and saw Sehun talking to the cashier who seemed to be about Minseok’s age or even a year or two older. _

__

_ “Oh, stop it you! I don’t even have a boyfriend. It’s not everyday I see someone handsome here. If you live nearby then maybe I would have you as my boyfriend,” The lady smiled, earning a chuckle from Sehun.  _

_ “It’ll be nice to have a girl like you as well. But I don’t live nearby and I’m not good with long distance relationships so it may not work. I’ll just get my ramyun and call it a day. It was nice meeting someone as pretty as you.” _

__

_ “W-wait! You… You should have this as well. It's on the house,” The lady said and when Sehun held the item, she pulled him into a hug. “See you again, loverboy.” _

__

_ Minseok immediately hurried to their table before Sehun could even notice that he wasn’t there yet. But he could feel his heart pounding in his chest with what he saw. There was evident pain but somehow, he wanted it to be fake. _

__

_ “Hey, sorry I took so long. I had to get water for the ramyun. Oh and by the way, crazy thing. The cashier gave this to me. She thought my jokes were funny,” Sehun chuckled, not even noticing the wavering eyes that looked back at him. _

__

_ “Let’s go back after you eat. I’m sure you’re tired,” Minseok suggested and the younger simply smiled back before taking a bite of his ramyun. _

__

_ The trip back seemed longer than when they went. Minseok still felt this uneasy feeling creeping into his system after seeing a side of Sehun that he didn’t know. The moment they reached Sehun’s place, the younger gave him a hug and asked him to stay over. It was odd but Minseok felt like he’d feel better if he stayed longer. _

__

_ When the younger had fallen asleep, Minseok reached for his phone and called a number which he hoped would answer his question. _

__

_ “Minseok-hyung?” A lazy voice answered on the other line.  _

_ “Yixing…? I’m sorry if I woke you up… But… I didn’t know who else to ask. Listen… I… I’m not doubting Sehun but… does he usually joke with people by flirting with them?” _

__

_ “E-e-eh??” Yixing was caught off guard with what Minseok asked. There was a big part of him that wanted to deny it but somehow he knew that Minseok should know the truth. Letting out a sigh, “Well… He does that a lot hyung… He thinks his jokes are… well he thinks that his flirting is just a joke since it’s not hurting anyone. But… but please don’t worry about it because… you’re his boyfriend right? I don’t think—” _

__

_ “Oh… is that so…? I’m not really worried about any other stuff. I just wanted to ask. Thanks Yixing. Sorry for disturbing you again.” _

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

“I never really understood why Yixing needed to panic over it. Well… I never really thought too much of it because I was hoping that it was all a misunderstanding on my part,” Minseok smiled somberly at his drink. The words came at Sehun like little needles pricking him in the same spot over and over. He frowned at himself, how stupid can one get.

“And yet after that you still gave me chances… I’m so dumb,” Sehun said, biting his lip when a sigh escaped his lips. 

“You know… I even thought of surprising you for your birthday but...”

“I didn’t know about it so I went out with my friends,” The younger answered but Minseok shook his head. “No… Yixing, Luhan and I planned everything for you. But you chose your friends over us… That… That time… It really disappointed and hurt me.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“I remember being so happy to make something that you wanted that day…”

  
  


_ [Flashback] _

_ “I’ve always brought you stuff that I bake… but is there something that you particularly like?” Minseok asked, looking at Sehun as they watched a movie in his apartment. The younger glanced at his lover before thinking.  _

_ “Not that I like cake so much… But I’ve always wanted to see those huge customized cakes that people get for special events. I wanna have something like that when I celebrate something important.” Sehun answered, talking in animated excitement while Minseok stared at him with longing in his eyes. _

_ The very idea that he’ll bake something so complicated for the younger is a challenge he’d likely face. It’ll be a great way to practice his baking skills as well as show his affection for the younger. _

_ He stepped out of Sehun’s apartment that night with a specific goal in mind and he’s going to make sure that he manages to make it in time. _

_ Nevermind that he has projects and a loadwork of papers he needs to submit but he’ll just have to fix everything all in one go. _

_ “Have you been getting any sleep lately?” Minseok looked up to see Luhan staring down at him with furrowed brows that offered no chance of escape. _

_ “I’ve just been occupied. That’s all.” Minseok stated, pulling a smile out to make sure that his best friend doesn’t find the need to interrogate him more. Facing his computer, he typed away again and ignoring the look Luhan was giving him. _

_ Minseok sighed when he looked at the cake he managed to make. He just needed to put finishing touches here and there and it should all be done. Smiling to himself, he looked at the clock on that wall and felt everything move. Grabbing the counter, he shook his head before hearing his phone vibrate somewhere. _

_ He shook off the weird feeling before reaching for the phone and answering the call. “Hey Lu… What is it?” _

_ “Yixing managed to get Sehun’s schedule. So we have time to get ready and decorate tomorrow afternoon and we can surprise him after his last class at 9pm...” Minseok heard Luhan talking on the other line but somehow his vision started getting blurry and soon he blacked out. _

_ When he came to, he heard beeping sounds and the smell of bleach invading his nose. As he opened his eyes, he saw Luhan and Yixing sitting beside his bed. “Hey...” He called out, earning their attention. _

_ The relief that flooded their faces was enough to make Minseok chuckle. “You guys look so worried.” _

_ “I knew there was something wrong with you when I saw you. You looked so tired. Doctor said you overworked yourself and got fatigued. Seriously, you need to take--” _

_ “Wait… what time is it?” Minseok asked, suddenly remembering something. _

_ “It’s 5pm, hyung.” Yixing answered when Luhan was still nagging at the older. “Oh… then we still have plenty of time to decorate right?” _

_ “It’s the 11th already. You spent the night here in the hospital. What were you even doing that--” _

_ “The cake! What about the cake?” Minseok jolted up, holding his head when he felt a pang of pain shot right through his skull. _

_ “Easy! Damnit Minseok can you please think of yourself for once! The cake’s fine. We put it in the fridge! You keep on thinking of Sehun when he didn’t even--” _

_ “Luhan.” Yixing called, cutting of Luhan before he could say anything else. Luhan simply took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. “I’ll get the release papers.” He stated, turning around to leave. _

_ “He… didn’t come?” Minseok asked, looking at Yixing. There was pain evident in his eyes and Yixing didn’t really have the heart to tell him a lie. He simply shook his head, unsure if his voice would waver if he had to talk to Minseok. _

_ “It’s alright… Maybe he was busy… I’m sure he’ll be there later. Besides, I’m fine. I don’t want him to worry about me.” Minseok smiled. But Yixing could see how the older gritted his teeth, it was all a lie. _

_ When they finally arrived at Sehun’s apartment, Minseok immediately decorated the place despite Luhan’s constant restrained complaints that he should take care of himself. The three of them worked especially hard to finish the decorations in time and soon the clock turned 9pm which surprised them. _

__

_ “The cake! The cake isn’t complete yet!” Minseok said, panic evident in his voice as he hurried to finish decorating the cake. While he pulled Luhan to help him, Yixing received a text from Sehun. Stating that he’ll getting dinner with his friends so he’ll be home later. _

__

_ “Oh! That’s good. More time to decorate!” Minseok chirped as he slowly changed his pace and slowly concentrated on completing the cake. _

__

_ 1 hour… _

_ 2 hours… _

_ Then it was midnight. _

__

_ The three waited, and waited, and waited but no Sehun came through the door. Luhan and Yixing could see the sadness in their friend’s eyes, what’s more Sehun never even visited the hospital. All of this was starting to take a toll on Minseok’s thoughts, giving him a question that he’s having a hard time to answer… _

__

_ Does Sehun even love him? _

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

  
  
  


A bitter chuckle left Minseok’s lips as Sehun listened to his ex-lover. He could feel his heart clench at the sight despite the older trying his best.

“I thought you’d be there… I actually hoped you’d be.”

“But I wasn’t,” Sehun ended the sentence. Minseok looked at the younger, eyes brimming with tears. 

“You weren’t… Why weren’t you?”

“I…” A big lump had suddenly appeared in the younger's throat. And despite digging his mind for an answer to that very question, there was no chest prepared with an answer. The only thing he found was an excuse, a lie that he once used but knew that the older never believed in.

“I’m sorry… I… I know it was my fault because I didn’t value you… I made a mistake and chose people that were only there when I was high up. I… didn’t realize that I…” Sehun sighed, hoping that he could bare everything to Minseok. “That I was a fool… I thought you’d always be there. And I never realized I could lose you.”

“You know… I never really…” Minseok stopped, looking away as if trying to compose himself. He bit his lips before blowing out a deep breath. “I didn’t mind you flirting with others. I believed that it really was a joke… that maybe that’s how you had fun. I didn’t mind. Even if they don’t know that you have a boyfriend… at least you never cheated on me. And I should be thankful… But… But what really hurt me… was that you didn’t even defend me against those people you called friends after they called me your slave.”

“What?” Sehun asked, unsure when this happened but was reminded of the last day that he saw Minseok. “No… That was…”

“What you didn’t know about that day… was that… I heard everything.”

_ ~~~ Flashback _

__

_ Minseok entered the apartment, hoping to find a glimpse of Sehun but there was no luck-again. The older let out a sigh of disappointment before plopping himself on the couch. Looking up at the ceiling, he felt so lost in a place that was so familiar. The days that he spent with Sehun as his boyfriend turned into weeks and months and years until he realized that 3 years of his life was already invested in Sehun. _

__

_ The guy was just finishing his degree and is about to graduate any time soon but Minseok felt like there was something looming over them despite his best efforts of ignoring it. _

__

_ The doorknob rattled and Minseok immediately sat up straight on the couch, looking like a pet dog waiting for his owner to arrive. But what welcomed him was not just his boyfriend but friends alongside him and a girl tucked tightly under his arm while they all laughed together. _

__

_ Minseok pulled back his smile after a second of hesitance. “Hey!” he greeted, hoping that his voice didn’t crack. _

__

_ “Ah Minseok-hyung you’re here,” Sehun called out and yet Minseok saw the split second that his face fell when he saw him. _

__

_ “I… was just dropping the baked goods,” Minseok smiled, or at least he thinks it’s what that forced bull shit was. _

__

_ “Oh cool. Thanks, hyung!” Sehun called out as he led his classmates inside the apartment without even bothering to introduce his boyfriend. _

__

_ “Your brother?” Minseok heard the girl ask and just before Minseok could close the door he heard the most painful thing from Sehun’s lips.  _

_ “No. He delivers baked goods for me to eat.” _

__

_ “Oh… like a slave?” The girl giggled and as if the words weren’t enough to stab Minseok in the heart, he heard Sehun laugh along with the others.  _

_ “Yeah, something like that.” _

__

_ Minseok held his breath as he forced the door to close. His initial reaction was to stare at the floor, hoping that it’ll open up and swallow him. Bury him into the depths of the earth and let him rest there forever. _

__

_ But he soon found droplets falling on that same floor. Furrowing his brows, he reached for his cheek to wipe it and realize that tears have finally left his eyes. He bit his lower lip, hoping that the pain of biting his lip would ease the stabbing pain in his heart. There was no other place for him to go to but he fished out his phone and called the first person he could dial. _

__

_ “Minseok? What’s up?” _

__

_ Minseok looked at the screen of his phone before putting it on his ear. _

__

_ “Luhan…” _

__

__

_ ~~~ End of Flashback _

“Luhan helped me… when I lost you. He was there when you weren’t. He was always ready to help me, without asking for anything in return. He took care of me when I couldn’t even eat, or get out of bed to go to work. He took care of me when I could barely breathe from crying. Luhan… made me realize what it really means to love someone,” Sehun closed his eyes with the overwhelming wave of pain finally crashing on him. The turmoil that had plagued his heart, finally ripped it apart as he heard Minseok’s words.

“I guess… with those words… it means I’ll never have another chance… huh?” Sehun whispered, more to himself than to Minseok. The latter was looking at him, tears stricken eyes that were finally free of pain. The confessions he made with Sehun were like thorns pulled out of his heart and finally, he could feel life breathing in to him again.

“I… value every memory we had Sehun… but I guess… We were just not meant to be.”

“I love you…” Sehun looked back at the older man who didn’t seem surprised to hear this from him. 

“And I loved you,” Minseok answered, hand reaching out to hold Sehun’s cheek.

Sehun sniffled before closing his eyes and feeling Minseok’s hand caress his skin. He missed that smell, that touch, that warmth. He missed Minseok so much but sadly… It was the last.

~~~

“Hey…” Luhan called out when he looked up from what overshadowed him. He saw Minseok with tears from his eyes and he sighs, giving out a small smile.

“I finally did it, Lu… I’m free,” Luhan doesn’t waste a moment and captures Minseok in his arms as the first tear finally drops.

“It’s gonna be alright. You’ll be alright.”

Though they were whispered words, Minseok knew in his heart that there was truth hiding behind them and it was up to him whether to make it work or to let it slip.

Happiness is vague but Minseok knew that in order to attain it, he needed to let go of the burden that weighed him down.

It wasn’t easy but he knows that the only way to start is to take that first step. And that’s what he did.

It takes effort to love the same person over and over again but it takes double that effort to leave that person despite the feelings one holds for them. And whether one chooses to love others, they must always love themselves before they could ever love others.

Sehun may not have been the best for Minseok, but in time he’ll find the one who will love him and continue to choose him.

It may not be now, but it doesn’t end tomorrow.

The future holds more stories than it lets on and Minseok ventured first to find them. One day… Sehun will take that same step and find a story of his own.

“Let’s go?” Luhan asked, looking at Minseok with his hand stretched out towards the other. Minseok’s lips tugged into a smile, thanking Luhan before reaching for his hand.

“Let’s find our own happy ever after.”

  
  



End file.
